Seven foods

There is a lot I want to write about... I think this "crazy food thing" I'm doing is probably the most all-consuming at the moment.

It all started with Jen Hatmaker. She and I have a love-hate relationship that she knows nothing about, wherein, she makes me feel guilty, makes me know grace, inspires me, challenges me, insults me, and makes me laugh all within a few sentences in her books and blog. I say all of this with the highest regard for her and her ministry, and I am BEYOND grateful for her passion in waging the war on our current culture. I appreciate her realness and humility through it all, and this is why I keep reading her work.

So, my buddy Jen, I promise I'm not a stalker, wrote this book called 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. It is essentially a book of seven challenges to hopefully draw attention to the most common areas of excess in our lives and help us rid ourselves of all that distracts us from Christ. In the first chapter, she talks about our love for food - quantity and variety. This has always been an area of struggle for me. I have often referred to myself as a "food addict", and I have actually compared myself to drug addicts when talking about my love for scratch that obsession with no, still worse than that- fatal attraction to French Fries - like, I literally did this when talking to a drug addict... not my finest hour. All of this to say, when I read this chapter, my throat started closing, my breathing became shallow, and my heart had palpitations. I knew I had to do something about this.

The challenge to wage the war against food excess is to choose seven foods and eat only those foods for a month. WHAT?! Seriously, I am not happy with Jen about this right now. So, I looked at nutritional value and versatility, and I chose the following foods: 1. Chicken 2. Avocados 3. Black Beans 4. Whole Wheat bread (this includes tortillas) 5. Carrots 6. Apples 7. Salsa (I know there is more than one ingredient in salsa, but I'm counting it as one food. deal with it) I have also decided not to go to restaurants unless it is for a special occasion - mainly because it is hard to stick to "7" at a restaurant, but also because it is a privilege of excess to have someone else prepare my food for me. I'm also only drinking water with this challenge. (this is probably the easiest part... I like water)

I began the challenge on May 1st, and I plan to go throughout the month of May. I have already scheduled in "Grace Days" on which I can eat whatever I want and get a free pass for that day. I decided to do this because there are always special occasions that come up. I have decided to only allow myself 3 days of excess. 1. My first Mother's Day 2. The day after I am done working (I haven't told y'all yet, but I am going to be a STAY AT HOME MOM ON MAY 17TH!!! WAHOO!!!) 3. I haven't decided what my third day will be, but I'm planning on eating fried seafood.

I'm on my 5th day, and I am already seeing some ugly things come out. I think this is a good thing. The other night, I prepared food for Superman (6 months old and eating real food... it's incredible.), and he ate chicken, like mom, but he got broccoli instead of carrots as his side. I was actually JEALOUS of my 6 month old's steamed broccoli. how demented is that?! My co-workers went to lunch this afternoon, and I actually felt left out that I had to tell them "no" because of my decision to do this challenge. It is also a little exhausting every time I explain why I am eating another black bean, chicken, and avocado burrito for lunch (5 days in a row). It's good for me.

Anyway. I recommend this book for all Americans. I think it is exactly the kind of challenge we all need. It's uncomfortable, and it's hard. But - it's worth it.

This is what my g-chat conversation with Austin at work looks like when we are both doing the 7 challenge

The foods:

Superman was Adopted!

Done. The theme of the past few days is "We are DONE!" I can not even begin to explain how ready we were to FINALLY have Bug be officially OURS. Praise the Lord that everything went so smoothly, and it was such a sweet time for all of us.

We finalized the adoption in Fort Worth, so we decided to make a special weekend out of the experience. Our families came from out of town - Georgia, Austin, Amarillo - and we all celebrated all weekend! It was a blast!

We chose a theme for the adoption: "Superman was Adopted". We chose this because we love the redemptive themes of the Superman story: His parents wanted to give him a better life, sent him to earth, his adoptive parents loved and supported him, he realized he had powers and used them to save lives, he knew his weakness and fought against it throughout his life to triumph over it. We see so many Spiritual parallels with the Superman story: Bug came to live in our home to have a better life/more opportunities, we will love and support him throughout his life, he has a power within that is greater than any power on this earth (The Lord), our biggest prayer is for him to claim the Power of Christ and use it to lead others to saving grace, we pray that he will know his weaknesses and triumph over them using Scripture. He is our little Superbaby!! I don't care that I am cheesy... it's fun!

The ceremony was short, but it was powerful! We stood before the judge with all of our family and friends. They asked us all to raise our hands and swear to care for this child and do everything in our power to give him the best life possible. Then they asked Austin and I specific questions. Some were just asking about the facts: his name, birth date, has he lived in our home for 6 months, etc... Then came the tear-jerkers... "Do you, Austin, promise to love, cherish, and care for this child, fulfilling all of his needs, physical and otherwise, and love him as if he was your natural born child? YES!!! And do you, Elizabeth, promise to love, cherish, and care for this child, fulfilling all of his needs, physical and otherwise, and love him as if he was your natural born child? *tears* YES!!! Then, because of your testimony here today, I grant this adoption and therefore change this child's name to..." *gavel bump* PICTURE TIME!!! 

We took pictures with the judge, caught the whole thing on video, and then had a celebration in the lobby of the courthouse with some special cookies made by my talented friend with Sweet Emotion cookies. (you MUST check her out... they are THE BEST cookies EVER!!!)

The sweetest thing, to me, was when we were all done with the ceremony, Bug latched on to my neck and dramatically laid his head on my shoulder. He is usually not still long enough to snuggle like this. Within a couple of minutes, he was sound asleep! It almost felt like he KNEW that something BIG happened, and he was simply so content and relaxed that he just fell asleep! This might not seem like a big deal for most babies... but this baby is NOT one to just fall asleep. He is BUSY!!! He is so interested in everything going on around him that he doesn't have time to sleep unless we remove the distractions and lay him down. It really warmed my heart. It felt like the perfect ending to this whole journey.

 My mom gave Bug a Bible with his full name engraved on the front and his adoption date inscribed on the inside. It will be such a special treasure to commemorate this day for him for years to come. We all went to a big breakfast afterwards and enjoyed each others company. It was such a sweet time!! We will never forget it!!

I can not express how much I appreciate all of the love and support we have received from people far and wide... even those of you we don't even know! We have gotten so many emails, calls, texts, comments on the blog, comments on facebook and instagram, and private messages offering so much love and encouragement. My heart is so full. I wish I could express how much this means to all of us! We are so blessed.

Romans 8:14-16
"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God"

3 weeks until Forever!

We have three weeks from today until Little Bug is OURS. Not just in our hearts. Not just in our arms. OURS. He will bear our name, be in our will, and grow old with us as his parents. Forever.

I feel like, for the past 5.5 months, I have been holding it together (mostly) and pushing ugly thoughts to the back of my mind of all of the things that could happen to disrupt this adoption. In a way, I feel like I've been playing Jenga, (remember Jenga?). All of the paperwork, home study, match meeting, etc. was like carefully stacking the blocks to build the tower. Once Little Bug came home, I felt like every week we have removed a block, so delicately, to signify counting down the days until we can pack up the game and stick it back in the closet. Every time a block gets removed, or time whittles down, more and more anxiety mounts. I hold just a little more breath inside. My hands shake even more. I guard my tower like Gollum with his ring. Now, there are just three more blocks... Three more weeks... The game is almost over. And I COULD NOT be more READY!!!

Even though is has been emotional and, at times, terrifying, we have felt and experienced God's hand throughout the whole experience. I know, without a doubt, that God has ordained for Little Bug to be our baby. I KNOW that nothing will happen to disrupt His plan for our lives. I think this is a perfect example of how many times we BELIEVE that God is working for our good, but we STILL live in fear that something will disrupt His plan. How small-minded we are!!! If I TRULY believed God without my finite understanding, I would dance with reckless abandon around my silly Jenga tower! I would let my baby play on it. Let the dogs sniff around it. Let the box fan blow right on it! I would TRUST that NOTHING can separate us from God's love or His plan for our lives!

Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:31:  "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Romans 8:38-39:  ^"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Can you tell that Romans 8 is my favorite chapter of the Bible?! 

I want to encourage you all - no matter what is going on in your life - to cling to the truth that HE who is FOR us will NEVER be against us. NOTHING can separate us from HIS love. HE will work it all for GOOD in your life! CLING to this! If you must cling to anything in this life, THIS is worth clinging to.  

Well, that was FAST!!! - We got "THE CALL"!!!

What a whirlwind!!!! I don't even know how to describe my emotions over the last 72 hours!

On September 3rd, we got a call from Special Delivery (our agency), and we were asked to come in to the office to discuss a "situation". Cue personal freak-out. I called my prayer warriors and asked for peace, wisdom, discernment, calm emotions, guarded hearts, and for the Lord's presence. Boy howdy did the Lord answer!! At the meeting, we were told about a potential birth mother (the first and only one to see our profile letter and photo album), and we found out that she is expecting to have a scheduled c-section on OCTOBER 11th!!! Yes, of THIS year!!! She wanted to meet us immediately because she wants us to be involved in the doctor's appointments and everything else that happens from now until the birth... OH MY GOSH!!!!

So, the night of the 3rd, our home group and other really close friends had already scheduled to throw us a "necessities shower", so we would be ready in case we got a call soon... What AMAZING timing!!!  We were able to ask for prayer for the situation that night, and it was such a great time of rejoicing, knowing that God was moving!

We met with the potential birth mother last night, the night of the 4th, and we all really meshed well! It was, of course, a little awkward... I mean, let's be honest... We were all nervous, and there are so many emotions involved in this whole process... But it could not have been a better match, in my opinion! She shares our goofy sense of humor, and we actually laughed through most of the meeting! It was so apparent that God was present in that room. We were able to get to know each other in a light-hearted way, during a very heavy-hearted moment. I don't want to disclose too many details about her or the situation at this time, but all in all, we are so grateful for so many things about her

The plan was for us all to go home, think about the meeting, pray about the potential of a match, and let the representatives from Special Delivery know in the morning. We ended up letting them know our answer last night! We just KNEW this is IT!! Last night was a little agonizing. haha. We could barely sleep, waiting to hear if we were about to become parents!! This morning around 11am, I got a text from Cindy (the director of the agency) saying that WE ARE MATCHED!!!!

WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!!!!!!  Our hearts are so full, and we are both at peace, knowing that God has carried us specifically to this place!!!

The crazy facts:
- We were only approved to adopt 4 weeks ago yesterday. (this is the fastest adoption I have ever heard of)
- We have been praying  boldly that God would bring us a match before the end of the year (He answered that more quickly than we anticipated!)
- We have been praying that she would be out of high school (she is older, mature, steady, and has no doubts about what she is doing)
- We prayed that she would "know" when she saw our letter that we are the ones she should choose (she did)
- I prayed that I would feel a connection to her and immediately know that we could become friends and have a strong relationship with each other through an open adoption (I can absolutely see this!) 
- We have been feeling confident that our baby would be a boy (he is!)
- We prayed that we would be able to be involved in the pregnancy/birth process (she wants us to be involved in all appointments and in the room during the c-section)
- I have been praying for God to provide breast milk at least for a month to aid in the health of the baby (she wants to provide breast milk - her idea)

Through all of these things, we have experienced SO much confirmation that we are exactly where The Lord wants us. I truly believe that He has led us to this specific point at this specific time in order to give us this specific baby!! Wow. I'm overwhelmed!! To think, if we hadn't been so exhausted by infertility and hadn't been obedient in going to the agency introduction class in April (even before we were sure we were going to adopt - we felt a little crazy going to that class), we would not be getting this baby. It just shows God's leading and His plan even more incredible. I love being able to look back and see Him moving, when we had NO idea He was even moving.

Thank you all for your prayers, concerns, patience, understanding, listening ears eyes, and encouragement. I love you all! :)

I'll keep you updated as things progress!

Count down to baby boy: 5 weeks, 1 day

Good things come to those who wait... or those who PRAY

This summer has been filled with plenty of ups and downs, joys and pains, questions and answers... We have felt, at times, like we were put in the middle of a cyclone with no direction! Amazingly enough, we made it out alive! I want to clarify that nothing particularly awful happened. We are strong and blessed, and we could not be more grateful for the lessons we learned and growth that took place as a result of the changes that have happened over the past few months. However, there is always so much uncertainty within a cyclone of change, and it can really rock you while you're in the middle of it!


A lot of things happened this summer, good and bad, big and small, but the biggest and most exciting this is... Drumroll.... We got approved to ADOPT!! 
The process was extensive, and for those of you wondering, it involved:

- 29 pages (typed) of information about our childhoods, lives, spirituality, families, views, theories, home, pets, etc, etc...

- Background checks 

- Physical Exams

- Interviews (Together and separate)

- Fingerprinting

- Financial evaluations and assessments

- Environmental Inspection (Weirdest part of all of this - They checked the temperatures of our fridge, inspected my meat thermometer, checked our toilets and tubs, looked in our closets, asked questions about whether we would make the baby buy their own toilet paper/diapers or would we provide it - seriously?!?! - and many other very invasive questions and inspections)

- Fire inspection

- Home Study

- Fees 

- Questionnaires that dug into our real feelings about rape, incest, drug abuse, special needs, race, culture, and other tough topics

- Training Classes 

- Wrote a "Profile Letter" for the potential birthmothers to review when making their decision on where to place their baby

- Re-wrote the "Profile Letter" when we were informed that we were "too excited about adoption" in our letter... I'll explain at another time. (We have learned SO much through this process!!) 

- Created an album that captured the essence of us (It was harder to do than you would think!) 

- I'm sure I am forgetting something...

I can't even begin to explain the myriad of emotions we have experienced.

First, let me explain how we arrived at our decision to adopt. As I have talked about in a couple of posts, we have been struggling with diagnosed infertility for the last two years. When we got married, since we were in our late 20's, we wanted to start our family rather quickly. We both desire children, and we know God has called us to raise children to love and serve Him. After the first year of our marriage, we assumed it wasn't happening because we weren't focused on actively trying to get pregnant. In the middle of our second year of marriage, we started to worry that something was wrong. Without going into too much detail, we were doing everything humanly possible to try to get pregnant, and still, nothing was happening! We saw a doctor, and we got to do all kinds of fun tests. (again, it would be TMI to talk about! ha) After all of the tests, nothing new was revealed. There was no specific explanation as to why were weren't getting pregnant. This led, first, to a lot of frustration, disappointment, even depression. I felt like I was failing... Even though I, literally, have no control over the situation, I felt like I was somehow not accomplishing something I was created to do! Finally, when the negativity didn't help (as it never does), I went to prayer. 

I had so many long talks with The Lord about my feelings, my frustration, my failures, and even my anger that this wasn't happening for me!! (see the common thread here?? MY, ME) It was all about ME! God was so sweet to me, as He always is, and I believe He revealed to my heart that, at this time, I WASN'T created to be pregnant!! He did not ordain for me to carry a child at this time. He DID, however, create me to be a MOTHER!! Once I recognized the difference, my heart felt so open and softened. I finally felt like I understood a small piece of God's plan for us! I keep saying "at this time" because I know I can never predict what will happen in the future, but for now, He is gently leading us in a beautiful direction that we could have never predicted, and we could not be more excited!!!!!

We started praying that God would establish in our hearts a clear direction and make us more excited about adopting than we would be about getting pregnant... It might have been a weird prayer, but I really love weird prayers because that is when you REALLY see God work when He answers! We started researching, reading blogs, talking to people who have adopted, etc, and one night, we both looked at each other,teared up, and said we KNEW we were being called to adopt!

Once we reached the conclusion that we were called to adopt, we started researching foreign vs. domestic adoptions. I combed through blogs by Jen Hatmaker, Jennifer and Chris Verme, The Getty's, and others. All of these people adopted from countries abroad. Although I find foreign adoption so beautiful and necessary, we kept feeling a tug towards a local adoption. We both had a picture in our minds of an open adoption - strange, unorganized, but beautiful. When we discussed our hopes for our adoption, we both wanted for our child to always know who his/her birth parents are, to always know that they are deeply loved by us and by their birth parents, to know their "other" grandparents and the depth of their love, to feel completely secure in their situation from the very beginning. We felt called to minister to birth mothers as much as we felt called to adopt. Most open adoptions include minimal contact, a picture a month, and maybe a meeting together every few months or once a year. We really desire to include the birth parents in our family as much as possible. This might sound strange, and we don't even know what that will look like for us, but we are just being faithful to whatever God leads us to at each step. A friend of ours pointed us to a local, Christian agency that specializes in open adoptions! (I didn't even know it existed!) This agency has been such a blessing to us... 

We contacted Special Delivery Adoptions (www.specialdeliveryadoptions.org) and signed up for their initial training class. After the class, we both sat in the car and wept. (We have learned to be very comfortable with our tears over the last several months.) We had so much confirmation and so much excitement about pursuing adoption as our first choice! I was shocked at myself when I had the thought, "I hope I don't get pregnant in the next year, because that would mess up being able to adopt!!" What?! Who thinks that way? Especially someone who has done nothing but try and try and try to become pregnant over the last 2.5 years! (?!) Well, God answered our prayer! Our weird prayer became our reality.

The training with Special Delivery was such an amazing experience. I could have sat in that room all day. They brought in birth-mothers to talk to us about their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc., and they also had a few couples who had previously adopted tell about the waiting period, finances, paperwork, and bonding with their child. It was so fascinating, and it spoke directly to our hearts. I was a little embarrassed while the adoptive couples were speaking because I COULD NOT stop crying!! I don't even know why! I think I was just so overwhelmed by the emotions that came with finally letting go of all of my previous expectations and emotions. I finally let go of "my plan" and let God's plan become my plan! Phew! What an experience!

At this point, we are approved to adopt, officially, and we are on the waiting list with Special Delivery! We keep saying we are "Adoption-Pregnant"!! We don't know when, how, who, or anything about our timeline, but we are boldly praying for our baby and his/her mother to come soon!! We are in a place of so much rest and peace, waiting on God's timing for us. We appreciate any and all prayers!!

Follow-up on "Thoughts on Infertility" (Advocare - Day 9)

Today: 
Spark & probiotic
Fiber drink
two eggs scrambled
salad with chicken and balsamic dressing
fruit
No idea what to do for dinner yet! I meant to lay something out to thaw before I left for work, but I completely forgot!

Weighed this morning... 5 lbs down! I was hoping for 6, but I'll take 5, gladly!!
____________________________________________________________________________

So, I wanted to apologize for my raw emotions yesterday. I think sometimes it is cathartic and healing to be able to put your feelings and thoughts "out there" for others to know. Other times, it might be less than fruitful. I pray that you all find either encouragement or compassion from my words, but if you feel otherwise about it, please let me know! My intention is never to offend or harm.

A follow-up from yesterday: 
Our small group has been working through a study by John Piper called "Future Grace". There is an excellent video seminar series that we have been watching every week, and it has been such a convicting, amazing study. Last night, the subject was on Grace in Anxiety and Covetousness. Piper gave so many incredible scriptures and spoke directly to the heart of why we are covetous and anxious.

His definitions of the words:

Anxiety:

The loss of a confident sense of security in God with feelings of foreboding that something bad will happen

Covetousness:

Intense desire for something that is not for God's glory - to the point where the desire takes away your contentment in the Lord

The whole time he was speaking, I kept thinking about my anxiety about my strong desire for a baby. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe that desiring a baby is "not for God's glory", BUT I do think that when that desire takes away my contentment in the Lord, I am absolutely not glorifying God through that desire. It struck me so intensely that we, as humans, can turn something OF GOD into something that tears our hearts AWAY FROM God. How twisted are we?! I have absolutely been feeling anxious about this because I feel that God is withholding something GOOD from ME! I have lost my sense of security in God and I have resigned myself to the idea that God is no longer FOR ME and doesn't want me to have good things! THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! I have coveted my way out of security in GOD?! wow. Austin and I discussed in depth how to fight against this in our hearts. We have decided to start memorizing scripture again. We need weapons to fight! And Scripture is our Sword of the Spirit! We need to have it close so we can use it often! Here is a list of scriptures that Piper pointed out to combat this!

For Anxiety:

Matthew 6:25-33

 ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Romans 8:28-39

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[i] have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”^[j]

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Lamentations 3:22-26

²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

(And My personal favorite in dealing with Anxiety) 

Isaiah 46:3-4

³ “Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
    all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
    and have carried since you were born.
⁴ Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you 

For Covetousness: 

Hebrews 13:5-6 

⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money [babies?] and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;
    never will I forsake you.”^[a]

⁶ So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
    What can mere mortals do to me?”^[b] 

 Philippians 4:19

¹⁹ And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:11-13   

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 Luke 12:15

¹⁵ Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”

 Mark 4:19

¹⁹ but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful

 1 Timothy 6:9-10

⁹ Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. ¹⁰ For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. 

Our plan is to start memorizing a scripture a week... I love this list... Just transposing it onto this blog and reading through them again gives me so much peace and such a strong sense of strength to combat and win! 

I'll see you all tomorrow!  

Thoughts on Infertility (Advocare - Day 8)

I think I was still somewhat asleep when I drank my fiber drink this morning, because I sort of felt like I had just downed a cup of apple sauce afterwards... This is strange, considering I usually think of sawdust and bark when I drink it! ha.

Today:
Spark and probiotics
Breakfast: Fiber drink and oatmeal
Snack: cuties
Lunch: "unwich" - turkey and veggies wrapped in lettuce
Snack: almonds & carrot
Dinner: grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing
Snack: almond milk
omegaplex & herbal cleanse tablets

Today is my gorgeous, sweet, wonderful mom's birthday! I am so blessed to call her "mom"! She has done so much to make sure we knew we were loved by her and by the Lord. I couldn't have asked for better!

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Side note for the day... I don't think I've mentioned that I turned 30 this year... Well, I did. I transitioned from my 20's to my 30's in February, and I have to say, the age didn't bother me! I actually welcome my 30's with open arms! The only thing that was somewhat of a sting, is that we haven't been blessed with children, and we are both now in our 30's. (There was a trigger that caused me to write about this today... I will talk about it a little below.)

I would have never chosen for my life to have gone the way that it did. I know I have written some about this, but it is a constant, deep theme of my life, it seems! I am really struggling with believing that God has good plans for me and that my desires have been established by Him and will be fulfilled in His righteous timing. An example of MY timing: I always thought that I would get married at 22, start having babies at 24, and be a stay-at-home mom just loving my life raising babies. In fact, when I was a child, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, all I would tell them was "a mommy". I always said I wanted 10 kids!! I never wanted a career. I never wanted to have tons of money or travel the world. I wanted a family. That's it!

Well, instead, I got married when I was 27 (almost 28), and after nearly 2 years of trying to conceive, we are meeting dead end, after dead end with no babies in sight. I have always had a fear in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be able to have children. I have no idea why this fear existed, but it has been there. It's very real. And my fears are being realized. Granted, I have a very successful career. I have traveled to all parts of the world. I have had some incredible experiences. But that was never my dream! (Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about the blessings... just explaining a little about me.) I recognize that I am the complete opposite of most people in the U.S.. I know I should just shut up and be grateful. But a part of my heart is sad. My heart longs for what I have always dreamed of.

The age "30" doesn't bother me.... but the age "30" with no children.... this is my nightmare.

I read an article that someone (a wonderful person) posted on facebook today about how terrible it is that women wait until their later years to have children. Without any warning, intense ANGER raged up inside me because HOW DARE THEY put down women who have children later in life. I HAD NO CHOICE! I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS!!! God has a different plan for everyone! I would give anything for any baby, at any time, in any way, just to have a baby! I know some women choose to have babies later in life, but that is not what I am talking about.

I have learned to receive and show grace more through this struggle than I have in any other time in my life. It was HARD when I was in my late 20's and still single... people would always ask, "why aren't you married?" or "you know you aren't getting any younger?!" or "are you just really picky?" or "maybe God is calling you to singleness?".... all very frustrating, and at times, damaging and hurtful.

However, nothing tops the comments that I get about being 30 and not having babies. Most of our friends are on their second, third, or fourth kids, and we are the last ones standing without them. Some of the comments that come from very well-meaning, sweet people are just simply ignorant or mindless, but leave me with an aching heart and a realization that people just don't understand. "Don't you want children?" or (when they find out we want a baby) "You do know how to get pregnant right?!" (they think this is funny) or "well, my friend tried for seven years and then had miscarriages, but then they had a baby at age 28, and it was great!" (this makes me feel better, how?!) or "You know you aren't getting any younger? The rate of birth defects goes up every year. You really should think about trying to get pregnant soon if you ever want normal kids..." or "Hmmm... wonder why you aren't getting pregnant? It was easy for me!" or "We didn't even want kids! You are the lucky one!" or "Trust me, you don't want them... they cry and you never have a life again" or "you're just too stressed out! stop thinking about it, and it'll happen" (stop thinking about it?!?!?! are you insane?!?!! you try wanting something with every fiber of your being and knowing it is what you were designed and created to do, and tell me if you can stop thinking about it...) - and the list goes on. I will say, the most damaging is when people complain about their children or pregnancies to me. I get it. Kids are hard. I have NO SEMBLANCE of a romanticized view of motherhood. But, let me say this once, I would rather have poop in my hair, spit on my clothes, a messy house, and a severe lack of sleep and have children than to be in my dressy business clothes at an office without my deepest heart's desire ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!!!

The reason I describe these specific comments that have been said to me (multiple times, many of them) is that I would like to offer you the opportunity to learn what to say to someone who may be struggling with infertility. All I can tell you is, please be patient with us. We are hurting. We are trying to rest within God's will for our lives while still doing everything possible to get pregnant. (I will not go into detail about the things that we do to try to get pregnant... not necessary!) Show compassion. Listen. Don't complain. Don't try to make me feel better, because nothing will make me feel better. Pray for me. Let me love on your kids. Don't make me feel like I am less of an adult or we have less of a marriage because we don't have kids. Don't tell me I don't understand what you are going through because I am not a mother. Treat me like you would any of your other friends. Invite me to play groups! (I could help keep control of kids!) Let me be a part of your world. When the need for words comes up, simply say, "I'm sorry." Nothing more. I know that there are no other words, and I don't expect any.

Sorry for ranting and having a little bit of an emotional explosion all over your mind. Every now and then, I just need to get it out. I need to vent. Every month when we realize we are (yet again) not pregnant, I grieve. I feel a loss. A loss of an opportunity to start our family. Today, I realized, I am, yet again, not pregnant, and I am grieving. Thank you for letting me grieve to you.

We are praying about what the Lord wants for us. We want nothing more than to be in the center of His will for our lives. I am a true believer that when He does not grant our prayers, it is because He has a plan that is greater!

We feel like we are standing in a room with several doors, and we have no idea where they lead. For now, we are pushing on the doors. I believe when God's timing is perfect, one of the doors will open, and our baby will be on the other side. We believe in adoption, and we are currently nudging on that door, but I also believe that God has the power to throw open one of the other doors without any push of ours and show us something that is totally unexpected. We are open. Open and waiting for an open door.

Advocare - Day 7

Today's plan - 
Morning: oatmeal...starting to get sick of it! with probiotic and spark
Snack: almonds and cutie oranges
Lunch: grilled chicken caesar salad and an apple
Snack: almonds and cuties
Dinner: Baked chicken with cajun seasoning, okra cooked on the stove with a teaspoon of olive oil and salt/pepper, steamed broccoli
At bedtime: omegaplex and herbal cleanse tablets

I start the fiber drink again tomorrow for the next 3 days. Hopefully I'll get it down easily!!

Not feeling super "quippy" or "inspirational" today... I guess you just get the diet portion of this process today! :)

Advocare - Day 6

Back on the wagon!

Apple and Spark for breakfast with probiotic. Salad with cucumber, bell peppers, carrots, and a little shredded beef with balsamic vinaigrette for lunch. Turkey and veggies for dinner. Omegaplex and herbal cleanse tablets at bedtime. fruit for snacks all day.

I'm starting to feel a little better about my cheat. I actually wrote "CHEATER" on my written plan that I have been keeping track on my challenge on. Maybe the self-shaming helped a little. ha.

Church this morning was awesome! Our pastor is going through a series called "Don't Judge Me". It's been very challenging and thought-provoking. I encourage everyone to look on iTunes or our church's website to watch these messages. They apply to everyone and have really good insight into ways to communicate with people who might be making harmful choices in their lives.

Hillside Christian Church - hillsidewired.com
Pastor: Tommy Politz

Advocare - Day 5

Que Usher's "This is my confession" song... Seriously, I kind of feel like I cheated on my significant other or something... Let me explain... I mean, it was only once! I didn't even mean it! I promise, I was thinking about vegetables and lean meats the whole time! It was only lust, not love! The steak and shrimp scampi on the fixed menu was just taunting me... I had no choice!

Let me explain. I really have done great the last 5 days, not bending or breaking... until last night. We were invited to join some friends for dinner at this awesome cafe in town that only serves dinner once a month. They have very limited space (max 25-30 people), and people make their reservations a month in advance with a long waiting list. The menu is fixed, and there isn't much wiggle room with what you can order. (and honestly, I wouldn't really want wiggle room... the food is AWESOME!!!) The chef has been featured on the food network. SO, I ate. Yes, I admit it. I ate. I will tell you, I'm proud to say I did opt to eat the fresh tomato and sweet pea puree for my appetizer instead of the pecan crusted quail on a bed of cream spinach with melted goat cheese (my mouth is watering just typing that)... Ok, I admit, I tasted it... and it was one of the best things I have ever put in my mouth... BUT I ate the healthy, cleanse worthy appetizer. For my main course, I ate beef tenderloin with shrimp scampi on a bed of risotto with grilled asparagus... Pretty much, the opposite of the cleanse.

Here is my rationalization: Beef is not bad, right? shrimp is not bad, right? So, I think the only bad things were the scampi sauce and the risotto. I tried to leave as much of the sauce as possible, and I only ate a few bites of the risotto. I feel like I tried to minimize the damage!!

Ok, so here is the good news! I weighed myself this morning, and I have actually lost 4 lbs so far!! That's averaging almost a pound/day! I feel like this is still really working for me, and I am committed to continue cleansing until the end, even though I had a slip up!

The rest of the day was exactly like the days before: I ate oatmeal for breakfast with my probiotic and spark, fruit for snack, turkey and veggies for lunch, fruit and almonds for snack... and I've gone into too much detail for dinner! I still took my omegaplex and herbal cleanse tablets too.

Here is my deeper thought about this: I think, even if we mess up, there is grace, and we can turn right back around and do the right thing the next day! It's not about being perfect. It's about patterns. It's about the commitment and the "norm". It's the same way with our daily life. I might not always do what I know I should do, but God still loves me, forgives me, and shows grace to me. If I showed no concern for God's principles and commands, I would miss out on so many benefits of a healthy relationship with Him and would miss a lot of blessings that come from obedience. However, when I do mess up or slip, there is so much comfort to know that I am not shunned or hated... I am still perfectly loved. I hope you all feel that perfect love and grace!

You would've eaten it too, right?!


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So, I told you I would update about my dinner on day 4. We ended up just grilling chicken breasts and burgers. I ate half of a chicken breast with lettuce, tomato, and avocado. My awesome friend also made me mashed cauliflower with no milk or butter... it was DELICIOUS!!! Made me feel like I was eating mashed potatoes without all of the starch and calories! I will have to copy that trick!