"Them's Fightin' Words!"

A few years ago, I was really struggling in the depths of anxiety and fear, mostly surrounding infertility and feelings of hopelessness surrounding God's plan (or what I felt was a lack of a plan at that time) for my life. It was so clear that the enemy was doing everything in his power to try to steer me off course and steal me away from the ONE who loves me and has the best for me, My Heavenly Father. I was drawn to the Scriptures to fight this fear and anxiety, and I compiled this list to be my "Sword of the Spirit" during that time. I wanted to share it with you all. Hopefully it will help some one else FIGHT against the powers of this dark world. Let me know if you need specific prayers or encouragement. I am always happy to help a sister (or brother) out! Much love! 

Put up your dukes, Satan! I'm coming for you!

SCRIPTURES FOR THE FIGHT!

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
(1 Peter 5:7)  

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  (Psalm 56:3)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7)

Fear not; for I am with you: be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my right hand of my righteousness. (Isaiah 41:10)

Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  (Isaiah 40:31)

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.  (Phil 4:13)

But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. Luke 21:14 NIV

I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken..  Psalm16:8 NIV

Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  Psalm 62:6 NIV

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  Psalm 91:4 NIV

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28 NIV

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. Psalm 28:7 NIV

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2 NIV

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.  Psalm 112:7 NIV

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5 NIV

There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. Deut 1:31 NIV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Phil 4:6-7 NIV

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 Timothy 4:7 NIV

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Psalm 46:1 NIV

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.” John 14:1 NIV

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30 NIV

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  Psalm 56:3 NIV

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deut 31:6 NIV

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 NIV

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31 NIV

Know also that wisdom is like honey for you: If you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 24:14 NIV

I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the LORD listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the LORD is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him. Psalm 34:4-7 NIV

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.  In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.   1 Peter 5:7-10 NLT

As for God, his way is perfect:  The LORD’s word is flawless;  he shields all who take refuge in him. 2 Samuel 22:31 NIV

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30 NIV

“The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.  Exodus 15:2 NIV

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19 NIV

The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6 NIV

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 NIV

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had,  so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Romans 15:5-6 NIV

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds;  and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Romans 4:22-24 NIV

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Psalm 73:26 NIV

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:22-23 NIV

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12 NIV

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  Romans 8:31 NIV

As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.  Psalm 18:30 NIV

Are God’s consolations not enough for you, words spoken gently to you?  Job 15:11 NIV

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm34:17-19 NIV

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.  Psalm 25:5 NIV

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes;  its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:8 NIV

For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. Psalm 33:4-5 NIV

Martha, Martha, the Lord answered, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better [to sit at the feet of Christ], and it will not be taken away from her.
(Luke 10:41-42) 

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7) 

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? (Luke 12:25-26) 

An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. (Proverbs 12:25) 

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. (Psalm 55:22) 

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. (Psalm 94:19) 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:23-24) 

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes. (Luke 12:22-23) 

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. (Matthew 6:28-29) 

So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or 'What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. (Matthew 6:31-32) 

A man cannot discover anything about his future.
(Ecclesiastes 7:14) 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

Scriptures specifically used during our struggle with infertility: 

Deuteronomy 7:14 [NKJV] ~ “You shall be blessed above all people; there shall not be male or female barren among you.”

Isaiah 50:7 [NKJV] ~ ”For the Lord God will help me; Therefore I will not be disgraced; Therefore I have set My face like a flint, And I know that I will not be ashamed.”

Leviticus 26:9 [Amplified Bible] ~ “For I will be leaning toward you with favor and regard for you, rendering you fruitful, multiplying you and establishing and ratifying my covenant with you.”

Hebrews 11:11 [NLT] ~ “It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise.”

Luke 1:37 ~ “For with God NOTHING shall be impossible.”

Good things come to those who wait... or those who PRAY

This summer has been filled with plenty of ups and downs, joys and pains, questions and answers... We have felt, at times, like we were put in the middle of a cyclone with no direction! Amazingly enough, we made it out alive! I want to clarify that nothing particularly awful happened. We are strong and blessed, and we could not be more grateful for the lessons we learned and growth that took place as a result of the changes that have happened over the past few months. However, there is always so much uncertainty within a cyclone of change, and it can really rock you while you're in the middle of it!


A lot of things happened this summer, good and bad, big and small, but the biggest and most exciting this is... Drumroll.... We got approved to ADOPT!! 
The process was extensive, and for those of you wondering, it involved:

- 29 pages (typed) of information about our childhoods, lives, spirituality, families, views, theories, home, pets, etc, etc...

- Background checks 

- Physical Exams

- Interviews (Together and separate)

- Fingerprinting

- Financial evaluations and assessments

- Environmental Inspection (Weirdest part of all of this - They checked the temperatures of our fridge, inspected my meat thermometer, checked our toilets and tubs, looked in our closets, asked questions about whether we would make the baby buy their own toilet paper/diapers or would we provide it - seriously?!?! - and many other very invasive questions and inspections)

- Fire inspection

- Home Study

- Fees 

- Questionnaires that dug into our real feelings about rape, incest, drug abuse, special needs, race, culture, and other tough topics

- Training Classes 

- Wrote a "Profile Letter" for the potential birthmothers to review when making their decision on where to place their baby

- Re-wrote the "Profile Letter" when we were informed that we were "too excited about adoption" in our letter... I'll explain at another time. (We have learned SO much through this process!!) 

- Created an album that captured the essence of us (It was harder to do than you would think!) 

- I'm sure I am forgetting something...

I can't even begin to explain the myriad of emotions we have experienced.

First, let me explain how we arrived at our decision to adopt. As I have talked about in a couple of posts, we have been struggling with diagnosed infertility for the last two years. When we got married, since we were in our late 20's, we wanted to start our family rather quickly. We both desire children, and we know God has called us to raise children to love and serve Him. After the first year of our marriage, we assumed it wasn't happening because we weren't focused on actively trying to get pregnant. In the middle of our second year of marriage, we started to worry that something was wrong. Without going into too much detail, we were doing everything humanly possible to try to get pregnant, and still, nothing was happening! We saw a doctor, and we got to do all kinds of fun tests. (again, it would be TMI to talk about! ha) After all of the tests, nothing new was revealed. There was no specific explanation as to why were weren't getting pregnant. This led, first, to a lot of frustration, disappointment, even depression. I felt like I was failing... Even though I, literally, have no control over the situation, I felt like I was somehow not accomplishing something I was created to do! Finally, when the negativity didn't help (as it never does), I went to prayer. 

I had so many long talks with The Lord about my feelings, my frustration, my failures, and even my anger that this wasn't happening for me!! (see the common thread here?? MY, ME) It was all about ME! God was so sweet to me, as He always is, and I believe He revealed to my heart that, at this time, I WASN'T created to be pregnant!! He did not ordain for me to carry a child at this time. He DID, however, create me to be a MOTHER!! Once I recognized the difference, my heart felt so open and softened. I finally felt like I understood a small piece of God's plan for us! I keep saying "at this time" because I know I can never predict what will happen in the future, but for now, He is gently leading us in a beautiful direction that we could have never predicted, and we could not be more excited!!!!!

We started praying that God would establish in our hearts a clear direction and make us more excited about adopting than we would be about getting pregnant... It might have been a weird prayer, but I really love weird prayers because that is when you REALLY see God work when He answers! We started researching, reading blogs, talking to people who have adopted, etc, and one night, we both looked at each other,teared up, and said we KNEW we were being called to adopt!

Once we reached the conclusion that we were called to adopt, we started researching foreign vs. domestic adoptions. I combed through blogs by Jen Hatmaker, Jennifer and Chris Verme, The Getty's, and others. All of these people adopted from countries abroad. Although I find foreign adoption so beautiful and necessary, we kept feeling a tug towards a local adoption. We both had a picture in our minds of an open adoption - strange, unorganized, but beautiful. When we discussed our hopes for our adoption, we both wanted for our child to always know who his/her birth parents are, to always know that they are deeply loved by us and by their birth parents, to know their "other" grandparents and the depth of their love, to feel completely secure in their situation from the very beginning. We felt called to minister to birth mothers as much as we felt called to adopt. Most open adoptions include minimal contact, a picture a month, and maybe a meeting together every few months or once a year. We really desire to include the birth parents in our family as much as possible. This might sound strange, and we don't even know what that will look like for us, but we are just being faithful to whatever God leads us to at each step. A friend of ours pointed us to a local, Christian agency that specializes in open adoptions! (I didn't even know it existed!) This agency has been such a blessing to us... 

We contacted Special Delivery Adoptions (www.specialdeliveryadoptions.org) and signed up for their initial training class. After the class, we both sat in the car and wept. (We have learned to be very comfortable with our tears over the last several months.) We had so much confirmation and so much excitement about pursuing adoption as our first choice! I was shocked at myself when I had the thought, "I hope I don't get pregnant in the next year, because that would mess up being able to adopt!!" What?! Who thinks that way? Especially someone who has done nothing but try and try and try to become pregnant over the last 2.5 years! (?!) Well, God answered our prayer! Our weird prayer became our reality.

The training with Special Delivery was such an amazing experience. I could have sat in that room all day. They brought in birth-mothers to talk to us about their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc., and they also had a few couples who had previously adopted tell about the waiting period, finances, paperwork, and bonding with their child. It was so fascinating, and it spoke directly to our hearts. I was a little embarrassed while the adoptive couples were speaking because I COULD NOT stop crying!! I don't even know why! I think I was just so overwhelmed by the emotions that came with finally letting go of all of my previous expectations and emotions. I finally let go of "my plan" and let God's plan become my plan! Phew! What an experience!

At this point, we are approved to adopt, officially, and we are on the waiting list with Special Delivery! We keep saying we are "Adoption-Pregnant"!! We don't know when, how, who, or anything about our timeline, but we are boldly praying for our baby and his/her mother to come soon!! We are in a place of so much rest and peace, waiting on God's timing for us. We appreciate any and all prayers!!

Follow-up on "Thoughts on Infertility" (Advocare - Day 9)

Today: 
Spark & probiotic
Fiber drink
two eggs scrambled
salad with chicken and balsamic dressing
fruit
No idea what to do for dinner yet! I meant to lay something out to thaw before I left for work, but I completely forgot!

Weighed this morning... 5 lbs down! I was hoping for 6, but I'll take 5, gladly!!
____________________________________________________________________________

So, I wanted to apologize for my raw emotions yesterday. I think sometimes it is cathartic and healing to be able to put your feelings and thoughts "out there" for others to know. Other times, it might be less than fruitful. I pray that you all find either encouragement or compassion from my words, but if you feel otherwise about it, please let me know! My intention is never to offend or harm.

A follow-up from yesterday: 
Our small group has been working through a study by John Piper called "Future Grace". There is an excellent video seminar series that we have been watching every week, and it has been such a convicting, amazing study. Last night, the subject was on Grace in Anxiety and Covetousness. Piper gave so many incredible scriptures and spoke directly to the heart of why we are covetous and anxious.

His definitions of the words:

Anxiety:

The loss of a confident sense of security in God with feelings of foreboding that something bad will happen

Covetousness:

Intense desire for something that is not for God's glory - to the point where the desire takes away your contentment in the Lord

The whole time he was speaking, I kept thinking about my anxiety about my strong desire for a baby. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe that desiring a baby is "not for God's glory", BUT I do think that when that desire takes away my contentment in the Lord, I am absolutely not glorifying God through that desire. It struck me so intensely that we, as humans, can turn something OF GOD into something that tears our hearts AWAY FROM God. How twisted are we?! I have absolutely been feeling anxious about this because I feel that God is withholding something GOOD from ME! I have lost my sense of security in God and I have resigned myself to the idea that God is no longer FOR ME and doesn't want me to have good things! THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! I have coveted my way out of security in GOD?! wow. Austin and I discussed in depth how to fight against this in our hearts. We have decided to start memorizing scripture again. We need weapons to fight! And Scripture is our Sword of the Spirit! We need to have it close so we can use it often! Here is a list of scriptures that Piper pointed out to combat this!

For Anxiety:

Matthew 6:25-33

 ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Romans 8:28-39

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[i] have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”^[j]

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Lamentations 3:22-26

²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

(And My personal favorite in dealing with Anxiety) 

Isaiah 46:3-4

³ “Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
    all the remnant of the people of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since your birth,
    and have carried since you were born.
⁴ Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you 

For Covetousness: 

Hebrews 13:5-6 

⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money [babies?] and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;
    never will I forsake you.”^[a]

⁶ So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
    What can mere mortals do to me?”^[b] 

 Philippians 4:19

¹⁹ And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:11-13   

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 Luke 12:15

¹⁵ Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”

 Mark 4:19

¹⁹ but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful

 1 Timothy 6:9-10

⁹ Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. ¹⁰ For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. 

Our plan is to start memorizing a scripture a week... I love this list... Just transposing it onto this blog and reading through them again gives me so much peace and such a strong sense of strength to combat and win! 

I'll see you all tomorrow!  

Thoughts on Infertility (Advocare - Day 8)

I think I was still somewhat asleep when I drank my fiber drink this morning, because I sort of felt like I had just downed a cup of apple sauce afterwards... This is strange, considering I usually think of sawdust and bark when I drink it! ha.

Today:
Spark and probiotics
Breakfast: Fiber drink and oatmeal
Snack: cuties
Lunch: "unwich" - turkey and veggies wrapped in lettuce
Snack: almonds & carrot
Dinner: grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing
Snack: almond milk
omegaplex & herbal cleanse tablets

Today is my gorgeous, sweet, wonderful mom's birthday! I am so blessed to call her "mom"! She has done so much to make sure we knew we were loved by her and by the Lord. I couldn't have asked for better!

______________________________________________________________________________

Side note for the day... I don't think I've mentioned that I turned 30 this year... Well, I did. I transitioned from my 20's to my 30's in February, and I have to say, the age didn't bother me! I actually welcome my 30's with open arms! The only thing that was somewhat of a sting, is that we haven't been blessed with children, and we are both now in our 30's. (There was a trigger that caused me to write about this today... I will talk about it a little below.)

I would have never chosen for my life to have gone the way that it did. I know I have written some about this, but it is a constant, deep theme of my life, it seems! I am really struggling with believing that God has good plans for me and that my desires have been established by Him and will be fulfilled in His righteous timing. An example of MY timing: I always thought that I would get married at 22, start having babies at 24, and be a stay-at-home mom just loving my life raising babies. In fact, when I was a child, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, all I would tell them was "a mommy". I always said I wanted 10 kids!! I never wanted a career. I never wanted to have tons of money or travel the world. I wanted a family. That's it!

Well, instead, I got married when I was 27 (almost 28), and after nearly 2 years of trying to conceive, we are meeting dead end, after dead end with no babies in sight. I have always had a fear in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be able to have children. I have no idea why this fear existed, but it has been there. It's very real. And my fears are being realized. Granted, I have a very successful career. I have traveled to all parts of the world. I have had some incredible experiences. But that was never my dream! (Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about the blessings... just explaining a little about me.) I recognize that I am the complete opposite of most people in the U.S.. I know I should just shut up and be grateful. But a part of my heart is sad. My heart longs for what I have always dreamed of.

The age "30" doesn't bother me.... but the age "30" with no children.... this is my nightmare.

I read an article that someone (a wonderful person) posted on facebook today about how terrible it is that women wait until their later years to have children. Without any warning, intense ANGER raged up inside me because HOW DARE THEY put down women who have children later in life. I HAD NO CHOICE! I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS!!! God has a different plan for everyone! I would give anything for any baby, at any time, in any way, just to have a baby! I know some women choose to have babies later in life, but that is not what I am talking about.

I have learned to receive and show grace more through this struggle than I have in any other time in my life. It was HARD when I was in my late 20's and still single... people would always ask, "why aren't you married?" or "you know you aren't getting any younger?!" or "are you just really picky?" or "maybe God is calling you to singleness?".... all very frustrating, and at times, damaging and hurtful.

However, nothing tops the comments that I get about being 30 and not having babies. Most of our friends are on their second, third, or fourth kids, and we are the last ones standing without them. Some of the comments that come from very well-meaning, sweet people are just simply ignorant or mindless, but leave me with an aching heart and a realization that people just don't understand. "Don't you want children?" or (when they find out we want a baby) "You do know how to get pregnant right?!" (they think this is funny) or "well, my friend tried for seven years and then had miscarriages, but then they had a baby at age 28, and it was great!" (this makes me feel better, how?!) or "You know you aren't getting any younger? The rate of birth defects goes up every year. You really should think about trying to get pregnant soon if you ever want normal kids..." or "Hmmm... wonder why you aren't getting pregnant? It was easy for me!" or "We didn't even want kids! You are the lucky one!" or "Trust me, you don't want them... they cry and you never have a life again" or "you're just too stressed out! stop thinking about it, and it'll happen" (stop thinking about it?!?!?! are you insane?!?!! you try wanting something with every fiber of your being and knowing it is what you were designed and created to do, and tell me if you can stop thinking about it...) - and the list goes on. I will say, the most damaging is when people complain about their children or pregnancies to me. I get it. Kids are hard. I have NO SEMBLANCE of a romanticized view of motherhood. But, let me say this once, I would rather have poop in my hair, spit on my clothes, a messy house, and a severe lack of sleep and have children than to be in my dressy business clothes at an office without my deepest heart's desire ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!!!

The reason I describe these specific comments that have been said to me (multiple times, many of them) is that I would like to offer you the opportunity to learn what to say to someone who may be struggling with infertility. All I can tell you is, please be patient with us. We are hurting. We are trying to rest within God's will for our lives while still doing everything possible to get pregnant. (I will not go into detail about the things that we do to try to get pregnant... not necessary!) Show compassion. Listen. Don't complain. Don't try to make me feel better, because nothing will make me feel better. Pray for me. Let me love on your kids. Don't make me feel like I am less of an adult or we have less of a marriage because we don't have kids. Don't tell me I don't understand what you are going through because I am not a mother. Treat me like you would any of your other friends. Invite me to play groups! (I could help keep control of kids!) Let me be a part of your world. When the need for words comes up, simply say, "I'm sorry." Nothing more. I know that there are no other words, and I don't expect any.

Sorry for ranting and having a little bit of an emotional explosion all over your mind. Every now and then, I just need to get it out. I need to vent. Every month when we realize we are (yet again) not pregnant, I grieve. I feel a loss. A loss of an opportunity to start our family. Today, I realized, I am, yet again, not pregnant, and I am grieving. Thank you for letting me grieve to you.

We are praying about what the Lord wants for us. We want nothing more than to be in the center of His will for our lives. I am a true believer that when He does not grant our prayers, it is because He has a plan that is greater!

We feel like we are standing in a room with several doors, and we have no idea where they lead. For now, we are pushing on the doors. I believe when God's timing is perfect, one of the doors will open, and our baby will be on the other side. We believe in adoption, and we are currently nudging on that door, but I also believe that God has the power to throw open one of the other doors without any push of ours and show us something that is totally unexpected. We are open. Open and waiting for an open door.