Ba - Da - Ba - Ba - Ba... I'm Loving It!

Yes, I am that cheesy that I used the McDonald's theme song in my post title. Admit it. You love me for it. ;)

He is 6 and a half weeks old already!! Wow, how did that happen?! We honestly can not imagine our lives without this little guy. He has been a total joy and has also taught us so much about finding our strength and rest in The Lord already! (I mean that quite literally!) He has had pretty bad reflux and colic. (Before you ask, yes, we have tried gripe water, zantac, mylanta, peppermint oil, positioning, rice cereal, scheduling, swaddling, swinging, placing on the dryer, pacifier, white noise, specialty formula, and many other things to soothe) Unfortunately, with some babies, you just have to follow some of the advice many parents give: Just cry it out. (I'm not talking about the baby...) We have been a bit sleepy pretty exhausted, but like I said, we are truly finding our strength and rest in The Lord, and it has actually been a very sweet time, in spite of lack of sleep. I could not be more grateful for the fact that our sweet little guy loves to cuddle when he's unhappy. It melts my heart and makes me feel like I am his only source of comfort - which fills my heart to the brim!

I have to say, he is the cutest little guy on the planet, and now that a lot of the fussies are starting to dwindle, he is developing the sweetest personality!! He will smile with his whole face, and he has these tiny little dimples that pop up when he's really excited. He LOVES to swing, and he really loves it when his dad flies him around the room like an airplane. He is so strong already! He holds his head up and pushes himself all the way up during tummy time. He met Santa for the first time last week during the open house at his dad's shopping center. He just looked up into his face and stared at all of the Christmas lights. He got to experience snow for the first time yesterday, too! So many firsts!! He has become such a sweet, fun baby! I am mostly just glad that he is feeling better!! I was starting to ache just seeing him cry so much.

I truly wish I could post a ton of pictures!! I promise I will once the adoption has finalized in April. I can not express how much it means to have so much support and so many sweet comments from you all. We know we have been blessed beyond measure, and I thank God daily for this sweet little boy!

He is here!!

I apologize for the lack of updates over the last few weeks. It has been an emotional roller coaster. The weekend of his birth was filled with so many ups and downs - not only with the adoption process... About three hours after sweet boy was born, I got a call that my brother-in-law had died that same morning. (He and my sister were married for 13 years and have four children together). It was a sudden, unexpected death, so there are so many emotions involved with that. My sister lives about 21 hours by car away from us, and flights were outrageous, so we weren't able to be there, physically, for my family. We also were trying to navigate the adoption process (which has its own emotions associated with it).  I truly believe our entire family was under spiritual attack. I think satan has done his best to try to steal every ounce of joy our family has. We refuse to let him! We chose to praise God for our sweet blessing and grieve the loss simultaneously. We have remained joyful, even through sorrow. The phrase "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" is total bologna.  First of all, it is nowhere in the Bible. It is a saying that is meant to make people feel stronger or somehow think that everything bad that happens is from God and supposed to be used to teach you lessons or something.... I disagree with the saying/phrase entirely. That weekend was MOST DEFINITELY more than I could handle. Here is the beauty in it though: whatever I was not capable of handling, God handled. Whatever I could not process, He made sense of it. Whenever I was not strong enough to fight the spiritual forces of the dark world, He was my strength. In truth, we can not handle much in this world... There is sorrow, disappointment, grief, and pain. There is a promise in the Bible, "In this world you will have trouble..." (John 16:33) IT'S IN THE BIBLE!! We WILL have TROUBLE!!! It will be HARD!!! But I am soooooooooooooooooooo grateful that God doesn't just leave it with that.... The end of the verse says, "But TAKE HEART! For I (God Almighty) have overcome the WORLD!" What a precious, almighty God we serve! He has taken our burdens, and He has overcome the world already. He does not bring trouble or heartache on us... They are already here. They are part of this sinful world. It is a given. BUT - take heart. He has already overcome it all. He has also promised in Isaiah 61 that He will take our heartaches, sorrow, and brokenness and turn it into something beautiful. "(I will) bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." We are clinging to these promises, and we have felt the comfort and Joy of The Lord in the midst of the chaos and sorrow.

Now, I HAVE to tell you a little about our sweet boy! He weighed 8lbs 2oz, and was 19 3/4 in long. (big baby!) It was actually a sweet time in the hospital with the birth mother to really bond with baby boy and with her. She expressed all of her emotions, and she was confirmed over and over that she was doing what was most loving for the baby by placing him in our home. It was amazing to see the love she showed to him, and it was so good for our hearts to see that. It is so hard to explain all of the emotions on both sides of an adoption, but all I can say is that is showed us, even more clearly, the selfless love God has for us. We are already SO in LOVE with that boy!!! He has brought joy and life into our home and into our entire extended families as well. My mom and sister were supposed to be in town with us the first week and a half, but due to the circumstances, they had to stay home. They are coming tomorrow, and we are praying for the hearts of my sisters' kids to be steady and comforted by the sweet families who are caring for them, for my mom and sister to find comfort and peace as they hold this sweet baby, and for their hearts to feel confident in The Lord's work of rebuilding what satan meant to destroy - turning the ashes into something beautiful and their mourning into gladness.

I appreciate all of your prayers during this time, and I would so much appreciate continued prayers for our entire family.

I am not, legally, allowed to post pictures of our sweet boy until the adoption has been finalized... I SO WISH I could flood the blog with pictures NOW! But, hopefully by April we will be able to post the thousands of pictures we have already taken!

The last week that I will ever live as someone who isn't a mommy...

Wow... What a crazy realization. I will never NOT be a mommy again! (yikes. I used a double negative... sorry) I am thrilled and overwhelmed and excited and terrified all at the same time! It is a remarkable feeling but also extremely surreal. Most women get to experience the child living inside of their bodies. They feel the baby kick and move. They get to the point where they are ready to not be pregnant anymore. There are so many natural things that happen during the last couple weeks of pregnancy to prepare a woman for having a baby. In our case, I don't have all of those things happening, but I still am emotionally preparing to become a mother. There has still been a process of grieving the things I am missing out on, but there has also been a process of becoming established in God's individual plan for my life. I can not express my joy at the thought of becoming a mom, but also, I can not express the emotions that come along with this whole adoption process.

Here is a (short) list of things I am most excited about in becoming a MOM! - 30 things for my 30 years I have spent waiting and praying for this moment
1. teaching him about The Lord and training him to memorize scripture
2. snuggling
3. sharing my wacky sense of humor
4. dressing him up in adorable baby clothes
5. sharing Red River with him
6. laughing at baby phrases as he learns to talk
7. teaching him about the world
8. building "forts" out of blankets
9. making mundane things into adventures
10. watching him make friends
11.  playing board games
12. teaching him to be strong when he is afraid
13. going to the zoo
14. walking him around the neighborhood in a stroller, then on a bike, then on a hovercraft (I mean, hey, it could happen, right?)
15. teaching him how to snow ski
16. teaching him how to water ski
18. reading books for hours together
19. playing tricks on his dad
20. hiking together as a family
21. eventually introducing him to my favorite nerd pleasures: star wars, harry potter, mystery science theater 3000, and NASA
22. being a stabilizing force in his life - I want him to never doubt that I love him or am there for him
23. playing on the playground
24. playing make-believe
25. having long talks about life with him as he grows up
26.  instilling good values into his life structure
27. taking him to church and seeing his eyes light up as he learns Bible stories
28. singing songs together
29. comforting him when he is hurt or sad
30. hearing him call me "mom"

In the last 4 weeks, we have had 4 baby showers, dinners with friends, celebrations of birthdays, friends coming to visit, a dog who tore her ACL, lots of organization of baby things, research, meetings, doctor appointments, classes, appointments with the agency, and of course, work and normal life as well! Needless to say, it has flown by and been a bit overwhelming!! Here are a few pictures to document!

My baby shower at work! (These people are AMAZING!!)   

 Jaime and Alina came to visit from Georgia!

My cute registry at a local boutique

 My mom made beautiful bedding! Once she delivered it, I realized my painting doesn't match, so I made a new one!

 She also made beautiful burp cloths and changing pads, and bibs!

 My shower thrown by my mother-in-law's friends!

 Our shower from our church friends

I don't have any pictures to prove it, but Austin and I also celebrated our anniversary last night! PHEW!!! 

It has been a whirlwind!! I am so grateful for everyone who has contributed to our baby gear and who has offered so much emotional and spiritual support to us during this time. We are more blessed than we could ever ask to be! I am constantly amazed at God's mercy and love through all of these people.  I am so grateful to be able to walk through this life with my wonderful husband, awesome family, and amazing friends. I can't wait for the next HUGE chapter of our lives to begin in ONE WEEK AND ONE DAY!!!

Even though it has been a whirlwind with many ups and downs, we are still SO confirmed in the decision to adopt, and we have been so blessed beyond measure through this process. It has shown us the very heart of God in having grace and mercy on us when we don't understand His plan. It has also shown us how silly we must seem to Him when we make comments to Him about the things happening in our lives. It has made me love HIM so much more, and it has allowed me to feel so much more confident that He loves me, regardless of my ignorance or my constant failures. He is amazing. This is my largest take-away.... other than becoming a mom! :)

This is who we are...

 

We are, obviously, very excited about adopting our little boy in four weeks (yikes! that's fast!!). We have been working feverishly to get his room ready, find clothes to put him in, etc. Our families and friends have been working over-time to get baby showers together so we will have everything we need! It has been such a blessing to see how everyone has rallied around us and prayed for us and supported us since we found out we will be adopting him. 

 I couldn't help buying these precious little shoes! They are sitting on a shelf in his room, just waiting for his precious little baby feet to fill them!

 

Austin has never dressed a baby by himself before, so we went over the basics of how to support their necks/heads, getting the onesie on, diapering them, and  what to look for with diaper rash, color of poo, etc. Thankfully, Austin's mom had kept his cabbage patch doll from HIS childhood so he could practice on him... Yes, I did say it was AUSTIN's doll. hahaha. Please mock him.

In the midst of all of our excitement, we have equal amounts of pain and fear entering our world. The fear is simple: everything is unknown. When people get pregnant and have a child in the "natural way", there are very certain expectations that come with the whole process. You know you will be in the hospital while you and the baby recover. You know you and your husband will meet your new baby together. Once you leave the hospital, the baby is fully yours, and you go home as a fully complete family. And the list goes on... Now, I know, there are complications that can arise in natural childbirth as well, and those things are still out of our control, but most often, we know what to expect in those situations! With adoption, especially an open adoption, the waters are a little more muddy. There is not a clear-cut plan or procedure that you can follow. For example, we know that the birthmother will get time alone with the baby after he is born. We will get time with him also, but it will all be split somehow. I will get to be in the operating room as the baby is born, but Austin won't get to meet him until later. Although we don't foresee this happening, there is always a possibility that the birthmother can change her mind if she wants. There is a possibility that we will leave the hospital without a baby. We don't know when we will be able to take the baby home - not because of health reasons, but because of legal reasons. Once we leave the hospital, there is no structure or frame of reference for how our relationship with the birthmother will go, and the baby is not officially "ours" until our court date months later. We know that fear is never from the Lord. We know that if something "goes wrong", it is ultimately in God's perfect plan. We know that He has guided us to this point, and He will guide us for the rest of our lives. However, it is still scary! It is emotional! It is uncertain! 

The pain goes much deeper. It is difficult to explain, and I probably wouldn't have understood it had I not experienced it. We feel two conflicting, yet fully formed, emotions simultaneously. We feel excitement because we are having a baby, but we feel pain because of how we are getting him. We love adoption, and we believe it is such a beautiful thing that mirrors our relationship with God. But, as it was so beautifully explained in this article, adoption also involves a great deal of suffering. I recommend for everyone to read this article. It did wonders for my heart! We feel pain for the birthmother. We have already formed such a sweet bond with her, and we hate that she will suffer during this process and afterwards. We feel pain for our baby. We know that this is not the ideal or perfect way for him to enter this world, and there was a lot of pain and suffering that led to his adoption, and we know that he will always have a longing for the life he never had a chance to have. We can't even wrap our minds or hearts around the moment when we leave the hospital with the baby and the birthmother will still be recovering there. I am already feeling the heartbreak that comes with receiving our blessing with joy while she hurts in the next room. The article above speaks of our own adoption as sons and daughters of God. There was so much suffering that had to take place in order to save us from the life that was not God's best for us. Jesus had to die in order for God, the Father, to adopt us as His children. We know God has orchestrated and ordained for this child to be in our home and to enter our home through adoption. We know that He can identify with our suffering. We also know that He is the greatest comforter. We believe He will comfort the birthmother of our child. We believe that He will bless her abundantly for loving her child enough to place him in the best home for him. We know that He will create a beautiful and loving relationship between our child and her for the rest of their lives because of what she sacrificed for him. In order to receive the blessings that come with adoption, there must first be sacrifice, then suffering, then joy. God is good. He loves His children, and He will carry us all through, all the while increasing our joy. 

We can't wait to see all that God accomplishes through building our family! We are excited; we are joyful; and we are resting on the promises of God. Thanks for all of your support, encouragement, and prayers through this!

Countdown to baby boy: 4 weeks, 1 day

Well, that was FAST!!! - We got "THE CALL"!!!

What a whirlwind!!!! I don't even know how to describe my emotions over the last 72 hours!

On September 3rd, we got a call from Special Delivery (our agency), and we were asked to come in to the office to discuss a "situation". Cue personal freak-out. I called my prayer warriors and asked for peace, wisdom, discernment, calm emotions, guarded hearts, and for the Lord's presence. Boy howdy did the Lord answer!! At the meeting, we were told about a potential birth mother (the first and only one to see our profile letter and photo album), and we found out that she is expecting to have a scheduled c-section on OCTOBER 11th!!! Yes, of THIS year!!! She wanted to meet us immediately because she wants us to be involved in the doctor's appointments and everything else that happens from now until the birth... OH MY GOSH!!!!

So, the night of the 3rd, our home group and other really close friends had already scheduled to throw us a "necessities shower", so we would be ready in case we got a call soon... What AMAZING timing!!!  We were able to ask for prayer for the situation that night, and it was such a great time of rejoicing, knowing that God was moving!

We met with the potential birth mother last night, the night of the 4th, and we all really meshed well! It was, of course, a little awkward... I mean, let's be honest... We were all nervous, and there are so many emotions involved in this whole process... But it could not have been a better match, in my opinion! She shares our goofy sense of humor, and we actually laughed through most of the meeting! It was so apparent that God was present in that room. We were able to get to know each other in a light-hearted way, during a very heavy-hearted moment. I don't want to disclose too many details about her or the situation at this time, but all in all, we are so grateful for so many things about her

The plan was for us all to go home, think about the meeting, pray about the potential of a match, and let the representatives from Special Delivery know in the morning. We ended up letting them know our answer last night! We just KNEW this is IT!! Last night was a little agonizing. haha. We could barely sleep, waiting to hear if we were about to become parents!! This morning around 11am, I got a text from Cindy (the director of the agency) saying that WE ARE MATCHED!!!!

WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!!!!!!  Our hearts are so full, and we are both at peace, knowing that God has carried us specifically to this place!!!

The crazy facts:
- We were only approved to adopt 4 weeks ago yesterday. (this is the fastest adoption I have ever heard of)
- We have been praying  boldly that God would bring us a match before the end of the year (He answered that more quickly than we anticipated!)
- We have been praying that she would be out of high school (she is older, mature, steady, and has no doubts about what she is doing)
- We prayed that she would "know" when she saw our letter that we are the ones she should choose (she did)
- I prayed that I would feel a connection to her and immediately know that we could become friends and have a strong relationship with each other through an open adoption (I can absolutely see this!) 
- We have been feeling confident that our baby would be a boy (he is!)
- We prayed that we would be able to be involved in the pregnancy/birth process (she wants us to be involved in all appointments and in the room during the c-section)
- I have been praying for God to provide breast milk at least for a month to aid in the health of the baby (she wants to provide breast milk - her idea)

Through all of these things, we have experienced SO much confirmation that we are exactly where The Lord wants us. I truly believe that He has led us to this specific point at this specific time in order to give us this specific baby!! Wow. I'm overwhelmed!! To think, if we hadn't been so exhausted by infertility and hadn't been obedient in going to the agency introduction class in April (even before we were sure we were going to adopt - we felt a little crazy going to that class), we would not be getting this baby. It just shows God's leading and His plan even more incredible. I love being able to look back and see Him moving, when we had NO idea He was even moving.

Thank you all for your prayers, concerns, patience, understanding, listening ears eyes, and encouragement. I love you all! :)

I'll keep you updated as things progress!

Count down to baby boy: 5 weeks, 1 day

A sneak peak into our transforming world...

Since we found out that we are "Adoption-Pregnant", I have been in full-time go-mode to get ready for a baby to arrive! The agency gave us a timeline of 2 months to a year... And it could happen in a couple of different ways: We could get a call that a baby has been born, and we need to go pick him/her up NOW, or we could meet with a pregnant woman who has selected our profile out of a stack, and we could go through the remainder of her pregnancy alongside her. So... We have no idea how to mentally prepare for that!!! The agency recommends that we have the necessities on hand and for us to be ready for anything! It is so exciting, in a way, and a little bit terrifying in another! ha. As a result of the absence of a timeline, I have decided to go ahead and get ready!

My sweet mom has bought us a crib, travel system, and is making bedding! It is all AMAZING!!  My awesome mother-in-law bought be a GORGEOUS diaper bag and changing station. I have painted an old dresser of Austin's, built bookshelves, and created an abstract painting to hang over the baby's crib. I am going to re-cover some lampshades, and I'm looking for the perfect chair and rug to complete the room! Pictures are below!

Our Full Application!

 

My Bag!

The Britax Travel System

 My painting, crib, and bookshelves (don't pay attention to the random stuff on the shelves!)

The dresser with the lampshade I'm going to re-cover.

I'll post more pictures as things come together! For now, I am happy with how things are progressing, and I can't wait to welcome a baby into this room and our home!

Good things come to those who wait... or those who PRAY

This summer has been filled with plenty of ups and downs, joys and pains, questions and answers... We have felt, at times, like we were put in the middle of a cyclone with no direction! Amazingly enough, we made it out alive! I want to clarify that nothing particularly awful happened. We are strong and blessed, and we could not be more grateful for the lessons we learned and growth that took place as a result of the changes that have happened over the past few months. However, there is always so much uncertainty within a cyclone of change, and it can really rock you while you're in the middle of it!


A lot of things happened this summer, good and bad, big and small, but the biggest and most exciting this is... Drumroll.... We got approved to ADOPT!! 
The process was extensive, and for those of you wondering, it involved:

- 29 pages (typed) of information about our childhoods, lives, spirituality, families, views, theories, home, pets, etc, etc...

- Background checks 

- Physical Exams

- Interviews (Together and separate)

- Fingerprinting

- Financial evaluations and assessments

- Environmental Inspection (Weirdest part of all of this - They checked the temperatures of our fridge, inspected my meat thermometer, checked our toilets and tubs, looked in our closets, asked questions about whether we would make the baby buy their own toilet paper/diapers or would we provide it - seriously?!?! - and many other very invasive questions and inspections)

- Fire inspection

- Home Study

- Fees 

- Questionnaires that dug into our real feelings about rape, incest, drug abuse, special needs, race, culture, and other tough topics

- Training Classes 

- Wrote a "Profile Letter" for the potential birthmothers to review when making their decision on where to place their baby

- Re-wrote the "Profile Letter" when we were informed that we were "too excited about adoption" in our letter... I'll explain at another time. (We have learned SO much through this process!!) 

- Created an album that captured the essence of us (It was harder to do than you would think!) 

- I'm sure I am forgetting something...

I can't even begin to explain the myriad of emotions we have experienced.

First, let me explain how we arrived at our decision to adopt. As I have talked about in a couple of posts, we have been struggling with diagnosed infertility for the last two years. When we got married, since we were in our late 20's, we wanted to start our family rather quickly. We both desire children, and we know God has called us to raise children to love and serve Him. After the first year of our marriage, we assumed it wasn't happening because we weren't focused on actively trying to get pregnant. In the middle of our second year of marriage, we started to worry that something was wrong. Without going into too much detail, we were doing everything humanly possible to try to get pregnant, and still, nothing was happening! We saw a doctor, and we got to do all kinds of fun tests. (again, it would be TMI to talk about! ha) After all of the tests, nothing new was revealed. There was no specific explanation as to why were weren't getting pregnant. This led, first, to a lot of frustration, disappointment, even depression. I felt like I was failing... Even though I, literally, have no control over the situation, I felt like I was somehow not accomplishing something I was created to do! Finally, when the negativity didn't help (as it never does), I went to prayer. 

I had so many long talks with The Lord about my feelings, my frustration, my failures, and even my anger that this wasn't happening for me!! (see the common thread here?? MY, ME) It was all about ME! God was so sweet to me, as He always is, and I believe He revealed to my heart that, at this time, I WASN'T created to be pregnant!! He did not ordain for me to carry a child at this time. He DID, however, create me to be a MOTHER!! Once I recognized the difference, my heart felt so open and softened. I finally felt like I understood a small piece of God's plan for us! I keep saying "at this time" because I know I can never predict what will happen in the future, but for now, He is gently leading us in a beautiful direction that we could have never predicted, and we could not be more excited!!!!!

We started praying that God would establish in our hearts a clear direction and make us more excited about adopting than we would be about getting pregnant... It might have been a weird prayer, but I really love weird prayers because that is when you REALLY see God work when He answers! We started researching, reading blogs, talking to people who have adopted, etc, and one night, we both looked at each other,teared up, and said we KNEW we were being called to adopt!

Once we reached the conclusion that we were called to adopt, we started researching foreign vs. domestic adoptions. I combed through blogs by Jen Hatmaker, Jennifer and Chris Verme, The Getty's, and others. All of these people adopted from countries abroad. Although I find foreign adoption so beautiful and necessary, we kept feeling a tug towards a local adoption. We both had a picture in our minds of an open adoption - strange, unorganized, but beautiful. When we discussed our hopes for our adoption, we both wanted for our child to always know who his/her birth parents are, to always know that they are deeply loved by us and by their birth parents, to know their "other" grandparents and the depth of their love, to feel completely secure in their situation from the very beginning. We felt called to minister to birth mothers as much as we felt called to adopt. Most open adoptions include minimal contact, a picture a month, and maybe a meeting together every few months or once a year. We really desire to include the birth parents in our family as much as possible. This might sound strange, and we don't even know what that will look like for us, but we are just being faithful to whatever God leads us to at each step. A friend of ours pointed us to a local, Christian agency that specializes in open adoptions! (I didn't even know it existed!) This agency has been such a blessing to us... 

We contacted Special Delivery Adoptions (www.specialdeliveryadoptions.org) and signed up for their initial training class. After the class, we both sat in the car and wept. (We have learned to be very comfortable with our tears over the last several months.) We had so much confirmation and so much excitement about pursuing adoption as our first choice! I was shocked at myself when I had the thought, "I hope I don't get pregnant in the next year, because that would mess up being able to adopt!!" What?! Who thinks that way? Especially someone who has done nothing but try and try and try to become pregnant over the last 2.5 years! (?!) Well, God answered our prayer! Our weird prayer became our reality.

The training with Special Delivery was such an amazing experience. I could have sat in that room all day. They brought in birth-mothers to talk to us about their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc., and they also had a few couples who had previously adopted tell about the waiting period, finances, paperwork, and bonding with their child. It was so fascinating, and it spoke directly to our hearts. I was a little embarrassed while the adoptive couples were speaking because I COULD NOT stop crying!! I don't even know why! I think I was just so overwhelmed by the emotions that came with finally letting go of all of my previous expectations and emotions. I finally let go of "my plan" and let God's plan become my plan! Phew! What an experience!

At this point, we are approved to adopt, officially, and we are on the waiting list with Special Delivery! We keep saying we are "Adoption-Pregnant"!! We don't know when, how, who, or anything about our timeline, but we are boldly praying for our baby and his/her mother to come soon!! We are in a place of so much rest and peace, waiting on God's timing for us. We appreciate any and all prayers!!