Thoughts on Infertility (Advocare - Day 8)

I think I was still somewhat asleep when I drank my fiber drink this morning, because I sort of felt like I had just downed a cup of apple sauce afterwards... This is strange, considering I usually think of sawdust and bark when I drink it! ha.

Today:
Spark and probiotics
Breakfast: Fiber drink and oatmeal
Snack: cuties
Lunch: "unwich" - turkey and veggies wrapped in lettuce
Snack: almonds & carrot
Dinner: grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing
Snack: almond milk
omegaplex & herbal cleanse tablets

Today is my gorgeous, sweet, wonderful mom's birthday! I am so blessed to call her "mom"! She has done so much to make sure we knew we were loved by her and by the Lord. I couldn't have asked for better!

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Side note for the day... I don't think I've mentioned that I turned 30 this year... Well, I did. I transitioned from my 20's to my 30's in February, and I have to say, the age didn't bother me! I actually welcome my 30's with open arms! The only thing that was somewhat of a sting, is that we haven't been blessed with children, and we are both now in our 30's. (There was a trigger that caused me to write about this today... I will talk about it a little below.)

I would have never chosen for my life to have gone the way that it did. I know I have written some about this, but it is a constant, deep theme of my life, it seems! I am really struggling with believing that God has good plans for me and that my desires have been established by Him and will be fulfilled in His righteous timing. An example of MY timing: I always thought that I would get married at 22, start having babies at 24, and be a stay-at-home mom just loving my life raising babies. In fact, when I was a child, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, all I would tell them was "a mommy". I always said I wanted 10 kids!! I never wanted a career. I never wanted to have tons of money or travel the world. I wanted a family. That's it!

Well, instead, I got married when I was 27 (almost 28), and after nearly 2 years of trying to conceive, we are meeting dead end, after dead end with no babies in sight. I have always had a fear in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be able to have children. I have no idea why this fear existed, but it has been there. It's very real. And my fears are being realized. Granted, I have a very successful career. I have traveled to all parts of the world. I have had some incredible experiences. But that was never my dream! (Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about the blessings... just explaining a little about me.) I recognize that I am the complete opposite of most people in the U.S.. I know I should just shut up and be grateful. But a part of my heart is sad. My heart longs for what I have always dreamed of.

The age "30" doesn't bother me.... but the age "30" with no children.... this is my nightmare.

I read an article that someone (a wonderful person) posted on facebook today about how terrible it is that women wait until their later years to have children. Without any warning, intense ANGER raged up inside me because HOW DARE THEY put down women who have children later in life. I HAD NO CHOICE! I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS!!! God has a different plan for everyone! I would give anything for any baby, at any time, in any way, just to have a baby! I know some women choose to have babies later in life, but that is not what I am talking about.

I have learned to receive and show grace more through this struggle than I have in any other time in my life. It was HARD when I was in my late 20's and still single... people would always ask, "why aren't you married?" or "you know you aren't getting any younger?!" or "are you just really picky?" or "maybe God is calling you to singleness?".... all very frustrating, and at times, damaging and hurtful.

However, nothing tops the comments that I get about being 30 and not having babies. Most of our friends are on their second, third, or fourth kids, and we are the last ones standing without them. Some of the comments that come from very well-meaning, sweet people are just simply ignorant or mindless, but leave me with an aching heart and a realization that people just don't understand. "Don't you want children?" or (when they find out we want a baby) "You do know how to get pregnant right?!" (they think this is funny) or "well, my friend tried for seven years and then had miscarriages, but then they had a baby at age 28, and it was great!" (this makes me feel better, how?!) or "You know you aren't getting any younger? The rate of birth defects goes up every year. You really should think about trying to get pregnant soon if you ever want normal kids..." or "Hmmm... wonder why you aren't getting pregnant? It was easy for me!" or "We didn't even want kids! You are the lucky one!" or "Trust me, you don't want them... they cry and you never have a life again" or "you're just too stressed out! stop thinking about it, and it'll happen" (stop thinking about it?!?!?! are you insane?!?!! you try wanting something with every fiber of your being and knowing it is what you were designed and created to do, and tell me if you can stop thinking about it...) - and the list goes on. I will say, the most damaging is when people complain about their children or pregnancies to me. I get it. Kids are hard. I have NO SEMBLANCE of a romanticized view of motherhood. But, let me say this once, I would rather have poop in my hair, spit on my clothes, a messy house, and a severe lack of sleep and have children than to be in my dressy business clothes at an office without my deepest heart's desire ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!!!

The reason I describe these specific comments that have been said to me (multiple times, many of them) is that I would like to offer you the opportunity to learn what to say to someone who may be struggling with infertility. All I can tell you is, please be patient with us. We are hurting. We are trying to rest within God's will for our lives while still doing everything possible to get pregnant. (I will not go into detail about the things that we do to try to get pregnant... not necessary!) Show compassion. Listen. Don't complain. Don't try to make me feel better, because nothing will make me feel better. Pray for me. Let me love on your kids. Don't make me feel like I am less of an adult or we have less of a marriage because we don't have kids. Don't tell me I don't understand what you are going through because I am not a mother. Treat me like you would any of your other friends. Invite me to play groups! (I could help keep control of kids!) Let me be a part of your world. When the need for words comes up, simply say, "I'm sorry." Nothing more. I know that there are no other words, and I don't expect any.

Sorry for ranting and having a little bit of an emotional explosion all over your mind. Every now and then, I just need to get it out. I need to vent. Every month when we realize we are (yet again) not pregnant, I grieve. I feel a loss. A loss of an opportunity to start our family. Today, I realized, I am, yet again, not pregnant, and I am grieving. Thank you for letting me grieve to you.

We are praying about what the Lord wants for us. We want nothing more than to be in the center of His will for our lives. I am a true believer that when He does not grant our prayers, it is because He has a plan that is greater!

We feel like we are standing in a room with several doors, and we have no idea where they lead. For now, we are pushing on the doors. I believe when God's timing is perfect, one of the doors will open, and our baby will be on the other side. We believe in adoption, and we are currently nudging on that door, but I also believe that God has the power to throw open one of the other doors without any push of ours and show us something that is totally unexpected. We are open. Open and waiting for an open door.